Pulling the Trigger
by Mickey3
Summary: Someone once told me it gets easier each time. Pulling the trigger, that is. Bullshit.


**Pulling the Trigger  
Mickey**

STATUS: Completed 8-26-05

SEASON: 4

SPOILERS: The First Ones. Small ones for The Crystal Skull and The First Commandment. Very small ones for The Enemy Within and The Serpent's Venom

WORD COUNT: 1212

AUTHORS NOTE: Many thanks to my wonderful beat, Cookie. You're the best! Thanks also to Lynette for giving it the once over.

* * *

JACK

Someone once told me it gets easier each time.

Pulling the trigger, that is.

Bullshit.

I was a sniper in Vietnam. Right out of the academy. Not quite twenty-two and eager to prove myself. Six shots. Six confirmed kills. I did it again for a while when I was in Special Ops. Fourteen shots. Fourteen confirmed kills. I was good.

I hated it.

Both times.

Right from the first shot.

But I did it without complaint each time because it was my duty. I was doing what was necessary to remove another piece of garbage from the human race.

Now Rothman is dead and I can add another kill to my long list. At least the others were just nameless faces in some god forbidden country. They were faceless strangers. Just an assignment to be carried out. The faster the better. The sooner he or she was dead, the sooner I could go home.

This time is different. There was no sniper's rifle this time. Just my P90. No real distance between us either, just a few feet. Rothman wasn't just some scumbag the world would be better off without. He was just a geek. Not too bright in my book. I'm not just talking about that whole crystal skull fiasco either. I mean really. A paper weight! I couldn't believe it when Siler told me he said that. Then he called Teal'c and Carter both liars. Not in so many words, but they told him what happened and he got snippy with them. Not that stupidity is a cause for death. If it was there'd be a lot more dead people. It's no secret that I didn't like the guy. Now there's an understatement for ya. He didn't deserve getting snaked though. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Not even Kinsey.

I can't help but wonder how long he was a Goa'uld.

It doesn't really matter now.

He was one of us and I killed him. The fact that I didn't really have a choice is beside the point.

Besides, he was Daniel's friend. How do I tell one of the best friends I've ever had that I killed his friend? I looked him right in the face and pulled the trigger.

Carter's staring at me. I don't know what she's thinking and I'm not sure I want to know. Who am I kidding? I've got a pretty good idea what she's thinking.

I'm part of the lunatic fringe.

I'm don't know if she and Daniel knew I could hear them when they were talking about Hanson that day. I'm pretty sure they could. I wasn't that far behind them. I wonder if they realized what they were saying. After all, they both know I did Special Ops for more than ten years.

From the look on Carter's face now, I'm thinking they did.

Teal'c killed Hawkins. Shot him in the back, twice, with a staff. She doesn't look at him like that.

He shot Captain Griff then turned the staff weapon on me for cryin' out loud! What the Hell did she expect me to do?

Damn! I hate it when she looks at me like that. Does she really believe I'm that far gone that this isn't affecting me?

"They deserve a decent burial, sir."

"Yes, they do."

Griff says they'll do it. I agree, turn, and walk away.

* * *

SAM 

I'm not really sure what to think. Rothman is dead. Colonel O'Neill shot him. Like he was nothing. Just another Goa'uld. But he wasn't. He was one of us and Daniel's friend. I'm not saying I cared much for the guy myself, but he didn't deserve to die like that. On an alien planet light years from home, with no control over his own body.

He could have shot to disarm. There were more of us. We could have over powered him and brought him home. The Asgard could have helped him. Or the Tok'ra. They've removed a symbiote before. Skaara's none the worse for wear after his experience.

We walk in complete silence. Just Teal'c, the Colonel, and me.

It suddenly hits me. Why am I not having these feelings about Teal'c?

Teal'c shot Hawkins in the back twice but I'm not walking along thinking of him as a heartless killer.

My thoughts run rampant and I try to work them out.

The look on the Colonel's face after he shot Rothman suddenly becomes prominent in my mind. I've known him long enough to see the pain in his eyes. Actually, the more I think about it, it's pretty obvious. Guilt is written across his face as plainly as if someone had written it there with a Sharpie.

Crap! How can someone who's supposed to be so damn smart be so stupid? Colonel O'Neill is not a heartless killer. How could I even consider thinking that?

I can't help but remember what he told me after what happened with Hanson.

"Killing a man is no badge of honor Captain."

Surprised me when he talked about the Bible.

"I'm talking about the 'no killing' one. No matter what the reason, every time you break it, you take one step closer to Hanson."

Then I remember a conversation I had with a certain missing archeologist on the same day.

Damn. What were Daniel and I thinking? We know what the Colonel was. We knew he could hear us. How could we have been so damn insensitive? We know he isn't like that. In our defense, though it isn't much of a defense, we weren't including him in that. At least I wasn't. I hope Daniel wasn't either. I know he doesn't think of the Colonel that way now.

I have to say something. I have to let him know that I don't think of him like that. He's nothing like Hanson.

The Captain says the others will do the burying. I follow the Colonel as he walks away.

He made the only decision he could.

"Colonel."

"Yes?" He stops and turns to look at me.

I say the only thing that comes to mind that doesn't sound condescending.

"You did the right thing, Sir."

I hope it's enough.

* * *

JACK 

I'm relieved to know she doesn't think badly of me.

That still doesn't make it any easier.

I don't know what to say to that so I just give her a half smile, nod, and start walking again.

I can't help but think it could have easily been Daniel. He was here as long as Rothman. We have no idea how long Rothman was a host. The thought makes me shudder. I'm not sure if I could have pulled the trigger if it had been Daniel. I've already killed two friends since joining the Stargate program. Okay, one of them was brought back. But that's beside the point. I don't think I could look another friend in the face and kill him. Or give the order. Not again.

Someone once told me it gets easier each time you pull the trigger. I pray to God that he was wrong, that it never does, because I know the day I can do it and feel nothing will be the day my soul is irredeemably damned.

If it isn't already.

THE END


End file.
